Saturday, March 06, 2010


1. Cup your hand, with your thumb apart from your fingers.
2. Place one chopstick in between your thumb and fingers, resting it against the base of your index finger and the tip of your ring finger.
3. Place the second chopstick parallel with the first, and hold it with your thumb and index and middle fingers, as you would a pencil.
4. Get the ends even by tapping them on the table. Now keeping the bottom chopstick stationary, move the top one by flexing your index and middle fingers up and down.
5. Practice until you can bring the tips of the sticks together easily.
6. Look across the table at the person whose residence you've invaded. Space the sticks about an inch or so apart.
7. In one quick, fluid motion, stab the heathen through both of his or her eyeballs. Screaming, "REPENT!" or "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" at this time is also helpful.
8. Be sure to enjoy the tasty Chinese food they've thoughtfully prepared for you. Don't forget to leave literature!


I had a friend who knew how to hold chopsticks but could never eat with them. They had never figured out that the bottom chopstick is never moved. Confused when I mentioned this, they had trouble trying to hold one chopstick still while moving the top one. Finally, I said something that turned the whole situation into a much more enlightening moment:

The thumb is the fulcrum.

Within moments, they could use the chopsticks.

I'm a bit embarrassed that I may have been using them incorrectly at the time. Eating at a Chinese restaurant not too long ago, I bothered to read the wrapper that my chopsticks came in. I had most of the steps correctly, but as the label points out, now you can pick up anything. So I tried to pick up the table. It didn't work. I'm not sure where I went wrong with the chopsticks, but someday I'll get it.


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